C O O L
There was an elegant man. He called the woman 17 times. She answered 17
times and called 16 times. He answered 16 times so once he had sex with her. They
moaned. Then after that the other times they did their sex together it was called making
love. One time they decided to leave it in, so from then on it was 9 months of television,
eating, craving, eating, rearranging pillows and sleeping, and then 3 babies came out of
the woman in the hospital. She screamed, he videotaped, and he fainted. After that,
they were mom and pop, two parts to make a family of five in total. The five of them
loved each other. Actually, that is an understatement. They loved each other so
much!!! They did not lie to each other. The three tots were identical triplets cute as
buttons. Their names were these: B., Teddy and Stevie-Stevie-Stevie. These tiny
triplets would later grow on up to be so so COOL. They would help people ill at ease,
and they would hold special parties. Each time they would help someone it would be an
adventure.
ADVENTURE #1
One of the first people they helped out was a student named Gino. His problems
were few until one Saturday evening when he was eating a salmon supper with his
sister. This Saturday was subdued like a Sunday, so she was sleepy and not much for
talking. Gino was in a hyper mood this weekend so he talked and yapped and yelled
and flapped his jaw with no sign of stopping. Gino’s sister had enough of this so she
cut him off mid-sentence and said “YOU HAVE BAD BREATH”. He tried to get around
this by speaking softly, but his sister said there was no stopping the smell. “Whatever”
thought Gino. “WHATEVER”, said Gino. “WHATEVER, CURSE YOU”, said Gino.
“Whatever, I hope she has a hard time getting a job when she finishes school”, thought
Gino. He went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth and washed his face. He went to
his bed, but once he got there he had trouble falling asleep. His sister really pulled a
number on him. His mind was still racing. Damn the sister. “Was she right? Do I have
bad breath? Do I? Do I stink of sludge on the teeth and trash on the tongue? Do I?
Honestly, do I?” He even annoyed himself thinking like this. He cupped his hands over
his open mouth, exhaled gently and then inhaled intently with his nose; and sure as sin
and the sun and taxes and death, his breath stunk. He was shocked. He was
embarrassed. He had to think of something else, or he would never fall asleep. Gino
chose to think of the one thing that excited him the most. Gino wanted to go to the
school dance very badly. He knew whom he would take. He knew what he would wear,
and what great songs would be played, and how they would dance, and he had a very
good idea about how they would kiss. These fantasies relaxed him, and he almost fell
asleep until his sisters words crept back into his head: “YOU HAVE BAD BREATH” His
bad breath- it would ruin everything. And just like that, bad breath was all Gino could
think about for the rest of the night. The thought of his breath kept his eyes and mouth
open and dry. For weeks he continued to think about this, and the day of the dance
came sooner and sooner. There were many sleepless nights.
One sleepless night in early spring was the last straw. Gino needed to sleep
so he ran three miles to exhaust himself. This worked, and he fell fast asleep after his
run. While he was sleeping, a large black raven with the brightest eyes sailed through
his open window and perched itself upon Gino’s chest. Gino woke up, and the large
raven told him: “In the name of all ravens: stop being a moron.” Gino attempted to
follow his advice, and the next morning he finally decided to go right ahead and talk to
the girl, even if he smelled bad. Her name was Lucy and she was healthy. She chugged
and gulped water from the French Alps. This kept her scalp from snowing and it kept
her forehead clear and it made her stand up straight. She was smart because she also
read books. Gino approached her in the hall and asked her out to the dance, but he did
it without opening his mouth much. He said “mm mmm mmmm to mm to mmm
mmmmm mmmm me?” Lucy said “what?” and he said the same again. Lucy did not
respond. She just stood there and looked at his stiff shoulders, his slouched back, his
tight neck, his shaky legs and his locked lips. She took this all in and kept staring at
him because she thought he was performance art. Gino stood for what seemed like
ages waiting for a response. He was awkward as gym locker-room nudity. When he
looked at her face and got no response, his eyes turned turbid with tears and he turned
his back to her and just started to cry right away. He ran off down the hallway and out
the door. He was gone. After it was clear that he would not come back, Lucy judged
him. In the end she thought he was some pretty good performance art.
Gino ran back home down the many streets at a high, high speed. He passed
the people on the skateboards and the scooters and the single gear bicycles. He swung
his front door open, ran through the living room, past his folks, past his sister, through
the kitchen, past the food and up the stairs into his room. He took off his bag, jumped in
his bed and cried himself to sleep. Just when he fell asleep, the raven flew back through
his open window and perched itself upon Gino’s chest once again. Gino woke up and
the raven said: “In the name of all ravens, you need to follow my advice. She does like
you. I am a successful disk jockey, so I know what people want. I know that you want
her and I know that she wants you. Please do the right thing because I do not want to
have to call you moron all of the time.” Gino tried to look at the raven, but he had to
shield his face from the bird’s bright green eyes. He was very hungry and cross, but he
did not want to hurt the raven so he let him down easy. Gino let his eyes adjust and
said: “I don’t feel comfortable talking right now. You are quite a wonderful raven, if I
may say so myself. The problem is not you. The problem is me at the moment. This
might be easier if I could speak with some human beings”. The raven paused, but then
said “fair enough” because the raven was mature and he did not catch feelings like a
youngster. He gave Gino the numbers of three very cool gentlemen who shared but one
phone, and he sailed away into the deep dark sky.
The next day Gino called the three cool people on his Cellular Phone to meet
them for a chat. They told him to meet them in the old planetarium. When Gino arrived
he saw B., Teddy, and Stevie- Stevie-Stevie. The three were sitting in thrones, and they
were relaxed. They were so cool that it seemed that Johnny Depp and Basquiat and
Buster Keaton were copying them. They did not do drugs. He told them of his problem
and they said, “don’t let your mouth dry out. Get a mint. Get gum. Drink water. Brush
your teeth and tongue with baking soda, wash your mouth out with hydrogen peroxide
and floss. If you are going to talk to people for a long time you should talk to yourself
first to test your breath.” So Gino followed their advice, and the next day he felt clean.
He saw Lucy in the hall and he got scared, so he stayed back since he was shook.
Then, he saw green in the air and thought of the raven. “I will be like the raven” thought
he. “I will be like the raven and talk to her. If she asks me to go away I will be mature and
fly and sail into the sky on the sly.” So Gino approached her like the raven. He looked
at her with his bright eyes and smiled at her in silence. She loved this and thought she
was getting some fine performance art. He asked her to go to the dance, and she said
yes, so Gino became supersonic. They went to that dance and did all the hip moves,
and they had a great time.
They met again and again and again, and once, at the art gallery they talked to
each other so much at that people thought they were performance art; but by that point
Lucy knew that they were real. Later, they even went into the bed. They did wonderful
things, and they were in love but they did not leave it in- they let it out since they were
young. This relationship changed their lives for the better, but it ended up not working
out some time later. There was a distance between the two. She had to move
to one town, and he to another town. This was sad, but it did not matter though,
because there is a big picture. Gino keep a clean mouth for the rest of his life. It even
got him a lucrative job in his mid-30’s as the CEO of a compassionate corporation. He
was also the lord of breath.
Once, after a long day at work, Gino drove home erratically. He was pulled over by
a cop. He took the drunk test with breath so fine he astonished the officer and
hypnotized the breathalyzer. He was set free. He was indeed the man in many ways.
Lucy, who had no problems with breath, started a special professional school for the
smart-but-poor. The school was on one side of the nation and the corporation the
other. Gino was sad about distance and Lucy was sad about distance but neither told
the other. One night the raven returned to perch on Gino’s chest and said “in the name
of all ravens, see her.” Gino said "no" Another night, Gino heard a voice in his head
that said "go and see her" Gino said "NO" Later, B. Teddy and Stevie- Stevie-Stevie
said "maybe you should see her" Since he had money, Gino did. B., Teddy and Stevie-
Stevie-Stevie flew with him on the plane so he did not catch a panic attack. He flew to the
middle of nowhere and met her on a mountain. They looked at each other. He blew her a
kiss but the mountain wind blew the breath away, so they went their separate ways. Lucy
gave Gino thumbs up. Gino gave Lucy thumbs up.
THE END