There once was a man who had many fingers. Curtis was his name. He used these
fingers to point at people. “You, you, you, you and you” the man said. “What”, “what”,
“what”, “what” said four separate people. Then another person said “What!” “DO MY
BIDDING,” said the man with many fingers. They did. What did they do? They began
the construction of a giant needlepoint portrait of Curtis, the many fingered man.
“Finish it before I return from my business trip”, he said. “Yes”, “Yes”, “Yes”, “Yes,”
said his employees… then one last employee said “YES!” all late.
Now you may be asking yourself “why were they doing this?” Well, you must
understand that with the man’s many fingers came many powers and much wealth.
Curtis was the greatest tickler in the twelve towns surrounding him. He was probably
greater than many other ticklers in far, far away towns, but this they would never know
because they were all to scared to challenge him to a tickle tournament. Curtis also
liked soup.
Curtis ruled his town with his terrible tickle. Sometimes people got the courage to
challenge him. Every time they lost. Every time folks laughed, but they did not laugh
for long. Curtis had the power to tickle a person until it wasn’t even funny anymore. He
knew very much about tickling, so many people referred to him as “Professor Tickle".
He was popular enough to speak at graduations of many reputable liberal arts colleges
and other institutions. But, despite his power and notoriety, there were still many
doubters. Because of this Curtis was insecure. Because of this Curtis had to go on a
tickle tour every bi-week. On this tickle tour, Curtis popped up in shopping malls, gas
stations, libraries and other personal places. He would tickle the unsuspecting,
innocent bystanders from behind and stamp his rubber stamp (which was an C for
Curtis) upon their foreheads when he was done. He would also leave his card. Once, in
a movie theatre showing a scary picture, Curtis tickled the hell out of a man named
Steve. Steve was on a date with a pretty lady named Virginia. Virginia had natural
blonde hair, blue eyes and the complexion of the pale side of a Nilla Wafer since it was
late summer. She was so smart so she was fly and she was calm. She looked
confident like a mature cat. She did not even have one-night stands. She looked like
she did not have to go to therapy at age six. Steve was also fly. No one-night stands
and no deceit from him. He was good at fashion and personality presentation. One
thing he was not great at was conversation though, so of course he was shook as heck
about the date. So, of course when Curtis tickled the hell out of Steve it ruined the
whole evening. Steve brought Virginia home and they shook hands instead of kissing.
So, of course when Curtis left his card Steve kept it to use for later. Steve would have
to get Curtis back for tickling him by tickling him. He would tickle him in three separate
private places: first he would look in his house during the intimate evening hours.
Then, he would follow Curtis next Sunday. After that Steve would follow him next
Monday. Steve would lurk behind Curtis during one of his tickling trips. This felt good
to Steve so he went to sleep.
The next night Steve snuck into Curtis’ house. The House had two open windows.
He snuck in through the first window that was open, into the broken bathroom. Then
he snuck back out because he felt uncomfortable. Then Steve chose to sneak in
through the other open window, into the kitchen. He liked it in there because it smelled
like potato leek soup. He snuck out of the kitchen and saw many people working hard
on a needlepoint portrait in the lobby. He snuck by these people very quietly. He was
all stressed out while doing this. He was like a mime in a minefield. Steve made his
way up a gold grand staircase. When he reached the top he saw Curtis’ room. He
tiptoed inside and saw Curtis’ back hunched, watching television. Steve snuck behind
him and he tickled Curtis. He tickled him as good as he could, which was great
because he was a fine tickler. When Steve tickled him, Curtis went “Aagh!” “OH!”
“UGH!” because the tickling made Curtis spill hot potato leak soup all over himself.
Curtis stood up to confront Steve with anger, but Steve ran away and that was the end
of it for now.
The next day was Sunday and Curtis had an important function that night. That
function was a costume ball. That Sunday night Steve was also back at it, following
Curtis and waiting to tickle him. Curtis was dressed up in a wonderful sky blue and
pure white seersucker suit. He was pretending he was a gentleman salesman. Poor
Curtis, he was alone. No one wanted to talk to him because he tickled people for a
living. Steve was dressed as himself. He snuck up behind Curtis while he was sipping
some red wine and tickled him. This ruined Curtis’ suit and damaged his reputation.
Everyone at the party laughed. Curtis tried to tackle Steve, but he ran away and that
was the end of it for now.
That was it, Curtis was now furious! He had to tickle someone immediately or else
he would not be able to sleep at night. He stormed out of the party and started
searching suburban neighborhoods for people to tickle. He finally found a person
sitting on their front porch, picking a splinter out of their big toe. Curtis snuck behind
this person. This person was a girl. This girl was Virginia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Curtis made sure he had his stamp; he made sure he had his inkpad, and he rolled up
his sleeves to tickle the heck out of her. He was just about to do it when STEVEN
tickled the heck out of him. Curtis yelped like a puppy when you give it unexpected
attention. He was upset for a second, but that wore off quite quickly this time. You see,
this time he had learned something. This time he learned that he did not know
something very important. He did not know about respecting people’s personal
boundaries. He ran home and wept. He told his workers to abort the needlepoint
portrait project. He thought about the life he led, and he felt immense regret. The next
morning he contacted a therapist. The next month he learned people’s personal
boundaries, and throughout the next two years he contacted those people he tickled
and reconciled with them. Sure, Curtis participated in tickle tournaments. Sure, Curtis
won all of the tickle tournaments. Listen to this now though: Curtis also went to
schools and taught children about personal boundaries and encouraged the youth to
tickle only under consent. Steve also finally had a great date with Virginia. She really
felt comfortable with him after he saved her. They eventually got married and made
generations.
THE END