There once was a man who was a womanizer.
There once was a woman who was a manizer.
These people met at an art opening.
These people got along quick.
These people stayed together.
These people made Gustav.
Gustav was this person who was mad greedy. Yes. So greedy. When he was a kid he
did not share, so when he became an adult of course he did not share! For sure. No
lie. When you would ask him if you could borrow something he would say “NO, NOW
AND FOREVER”. He would say phrases like this at age 6.5 because he was raised by
psychologists. When you would ask him to lend you something he would not be
fooled in the change of words. He would still say “WHEN I SAY NO IT IS
PERMANENT”. This person’s name is Gustav and certainly not Gus and definitely not
G. Gustav does not even think he is greedy. He thinks he is traditionalist. There are
two main reasons why Gustav is so greedy. One reason is that he comes from a family
of many older brothers and sisters who took from him. The second reason is that he
always feared he was loosing something. One time Gustav decided to pack a lunch
because he realized he was spending money on lunch. He packed a banana, a tuna
fish sandwich and a section of salmon imported from Seattle, a can of nectar, a cup of
yogurt, and an aluminum foil bundle of nuts and berries. He put all of these things in a
large plastic bag that is blue because blue is the best color and wrote with sharpie style
marker in large capital letters: GUSTAV. When he got to work he put it in the company
refrigerator. Then he worked. He worked hard to work up hunger too. He didn’t work
to death. Then lunchtime came and he went to the refrigerator. He opened the door to
it. He could not see his lunch. “This cannot be” thought Gustav. He searched through
the vegetable compartment, the bread compartment, all three of the shelves, the door
shelves and even the egg holders on the door. Then he looked in the freezer but he
had to stop because it was too cold. Then he looked again but had to stop because it
was too cold once again. Then he got a third look and stopped looking because it was
too cold and he had seen enough. There was no lunch. He was shocked. He had to
search again so he renamed all of the compartments of the refrigerator and started to
search again. He searched the bowling ball holders, the corn containers, the carob
compartments, the sushi supplier, the applesauce selection section, the arctic
compartment and the pancake protector. Nothing. He was hungry. He was hungry of
course! He was hungry so he called the Hunger Hotline and a fresh pizza came flying
through the window. He caught the pizza then ate the pizza then took a breather. “That
was easy!” thought Gustav. Gustav would call the Hunger Hotline each workday if he
could, but he cannot because the Hunger Hotline can ruin your credit rating.
The next day he wrote ‘GUSTAV’S FOOD” on his bag. Then, when he came back
half of everything was eaten. He had to call the Hunger Hotline again. This time:
sushi. This time, sushi got shot at him through his window, in his face. Then, the day
after that he decided to write his name directly on the food. This made him late to work
though, because he had to find a marker color that would match each piece of food.
What color matches well with Salmon? Brown? No. black? Too obvious. Grey? No
thank you. Turquoise? Correct. So, he took the marker, wrote all over his food and left
for work. When he arrived at work, he confidently placed his lunch in refrigerator.
When he got to the refrigerator, the all of his food was still there so he ate it! It tasted
good, but not for long. It soon made him sick. He was stupid all along. He was a fool all
along. The marker he used sure was a toxic type so he went to the hospital because
the had to.
At the hospital, Gustav caught morals from the sky. He caught them with his hands
and he caught them with his mind and he caught them with his two feet and ten toes.
One moral, about dining etiquette, resembled a large slice of carrot cake. He caught
that one with his mouth. It was like these morals were given to him by ghosts. These
morals were given to him by ghosts. Gustav said, “I don’t want to greedy in my days. I
will stop being greedy over a period of 80 days” The Ghosts replied “Good. We are the
ghosts of the greedy people. We will tell you stories". Then, one ghost said "I will tell
you the abridged story of my demise. I never had much, and I wanted to provide for my
glorious mother. Since I had low self esteem and was scared of having absolutely
nothing, I was greedy. Greedy all of the time. Yes. For sure. I was greedy. Greedy all
of the time. Once, I was greedy in front of a shrewd businessman. He offered me a
contract to sign. I skimmed the text and got excited. I was poor, so I eventually signed
the contract, and after that I was Faust like Tupac. I got what I wanted then, but I died
very a very lonely man. I was obsessed with material things; with gold and cars, and
the idea of a golden car. I had all of these things thanks to my greed. I had a girlfriend
at the time, but it turns out she was cheating on me with some guy who plays the
banjo. I was shot to death though. I was shot to death because I had all of those
things. I was murdered by a secret bandit dressed as a therapist. I was killed by the
greed of other people, combined with my own greed. I was shot to death in the face
during my therapy session. Many people were greedy all up in my funeral. These
people took some of the articles of clothing off of my corpse and others took the gold
teeth from my mouth. It was a closed casket funeral. My old girl took my mother's
coats. She thinks it's okay since my mom lives in Florida, but my mom is still cold. She
also took all of my mother's musk. She has no honor. I know. I saw it from the after
life. It's no good. When you become a ghost you have the ability to keep tabs on
people like the legendary Howard Hughes. You can just watch people and see who
really has honor and who is truly dishonest. You can help those with honor and haunt
the dishonest. That is nice, but when you die a greedy person you become a greedy
ghost for so long. You try and grab things you want to keep, but you can’t do that
because you can’t hold a thing when you are a ghost, so don’t become a person who
will die a greedy ghost.”
“I will not”
And he did not. THE END